when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
