Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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