my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
