I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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