Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
