And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
