Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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