He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
why is half of my head shaved?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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