I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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