I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
