Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My penis needs a shock collar
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
