The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
