a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
