i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize