It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
