the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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