Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
