yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
