Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
