Yo dont text me then not text me
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
