Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
