it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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