bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize