As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
