Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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