I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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