As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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