If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
