well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
