You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
