i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
