At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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