Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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