My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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