i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is the high leading the old right now
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
