I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
