Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
