Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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