I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Bring me that man meat
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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