its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
