Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
