things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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