I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
