the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
