Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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