I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
