apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
