Well apparently he's into motor boating.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
