so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
