Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
