You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
