Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
