well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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