I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
