Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
