My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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