Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
