just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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