By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
