It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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