"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
